We all meet Death as the recipient or as an unwilling observer. This is for those who find Death waiting in a room where someone we deeply love prepares to leave this life. It is a brutal rite of passage for the one dying and, in many instances, far worse for those desperately trying to keep Death at arms’ length.
What Do You Say?
For the dying, your presence probably is more meaningful than the words you utter. For the dying, your comments are gone far too soon with the whisper of their departing breath. But, those last words you speak are of incredible value to you far into your future. No one has the absolute moral authority to dictate your last words to a loved one. Still, the following is a simple guideline that has worked for me, whether I am there or the person has already passed, and these are the words I wish for the deceased to understand what I would have said if I were there.
I Love You
Tell them You love them. Tell them you love them now, yesterday, and tomorrow. Tell them how you will speak of them to your children and your grandchildren. Tell them you will keep their memory alive as long as you live.
You Have Done Enough For Me
This is very important, especially if the person dying is a parent, a partner, or a child. Everyone needs to feel appreciated. Don’t be afraid to give examples of how they have impacted your life. Stress that you have other people to help you in your life decisions, and while their input will be sorely missed, you will be OK when they are gone. Make sure they understand that they can pass without feeling guilty for leaving. And if, on the inside, you think they have not done enough for you, keep that to yourself. Give them the respect of passing in peace without guilt.
It is OK For you to Go.
This is the hardest thing to vocalize and to mean. You are interacting with a being who is actively dying, and neither of you wants to be where you are. Indeed, you want to keep them with you. No matter how and what you feel, death today will leave with someone you love, and your only say in the matter is perhaps to make the passing a little easier on both of you.
When you were still a child
You may have had a conversation with a parent or even a sibling, and that person would ask you, “Could I have done something else to have helped you more?” and “Yes,” you wanted to say, “you could’ve done more. You could have done a lot more.” You decided to hold your tongue because you didn’t want to hurt that other person. Here you are again. And you really might have to force yourself not to be too truthful. This person is dying and just thinking of all that encompasses; you feel the soul being ripped from your body, and yes, you are damned resentful.
Death doesn’t care; Dying won’t be postponed by displaying your anger. The only goal you should concentrate on is getting through this as a compassionate, caring, loving human being. Now is the time to hold a hand. You want solid physical contact with that life so near to ending, and this is when you tell them the one thing you will never forget is how they have always been supportive and protective of you and how much you love them for being the kind, caring person they are.
The Final Thing to Say
This is when you admit you fully understand what is happening. You may feel you should be dying, but you are not. The words you will use are from you, and my vocalization of the message is just that. Hopefully, this will be close to what you need to say.
” I know and understand you are dying. My heart is broken, and the grief I feel now will only worsen, but I understand you are dying. I understand it is your time to leave this life. I will spend a long time being miserable and missing you. In time, I will accept your passing, and I will remember you always with love.”
Now you decide what you want to do. You can stay with the person for as long as you wish. You can also leave if it will help you.
What have you Done?
You have given another human being the gift of peace. The peace to leave this life knowing they have been loved and cared for. Few people are given this gift when they need it the most.
In memory of Samuel Feke, October 23, 1940 – July 5, 2022,
and John Diamond passed July 15, 2022. Taken far too soon
May their memory serve as a blessing to those who mourn.